Sweet Sweet Nuthin' at All

Enjoying things

The Blue Room by Suzanne Valadon, 1923

The Sunday Letter #5

As a lifelong procrastinator, I have a hard time doing things for fun without feeling guilty, so it’s been tough to admit how much I enjoy the process of cultivating this newsletter all week. Instead of rushing to start and finish it an hour before it’s “due,” I work on it every day. I play around with the graphics, I look out for cool articles, I take notes, I think about what I want to say that week, whether there’s a discernible “theme.”

I tend to obsess, and when I notice that I’m doing so, I reel myself back, scared to push it too far, worrying I’ll scare it away or get bored of it myself. If you’re an obsessive procrastinator, you may feel guilty for enjoying things, for giving into hours and hours of obsessions that are otherwise enjoyable, in favour of activities that are actually “productive.”

Why does it feel difficult to work on something just because it’s fun and it feels fulfilling? Because if you’re only used to being “productive” while under intense pressure, to do something for yourself without any interior pressure feels unbalanced. Conversely, when it comes to tasks that my brain sees as unpleasant, my solution is full avoidance. So projects that require a lot of work, but are fun, still leave my brain searching for the guilt factor that I associate with doing things I enjoy, when I should really be doing something “productive.”

Another thing an obsessive’s brain will tell them is that they need to be perfect at everything the very first time, out of self-preservation or whatever. But if you’re an obsessive procrastinator, the pre-emptive self-sabotage of “doing nothing” instead of doing something badly, can feel like that season one (the best season, ahem) Grey’s Anatomy quote: “Why do I keep hitting myself over the head with a hammer? Because it feels so good when I stop.” Over the past few years, giving myself over to hobbies that feel good and feel fulfilling, and trying to perfect them, has left me more motivated than ever, but worried of depletion, so I’m trying to find the level of grace necessary to allow myself to explore that dissonance.

This is the fifth week of Sunday round-ups, and I’ve really enjoyed how this weekly practice is making me seek out new writing, stories, and ideas. And lately, I kind of like the idea of being imperfect, of committing myself to something purely out of the joy of doing it. The arrival of spring and the lingering sun have me feeling full of ideas for new writing. If you’re enjoying these round-ups, and/or if you have any suggestions of what you’d like to see more of, let me know down below…

This week’s recommendations

In movies, last week I enjoyed a Coen Brothers classic and a Julia Roberts double-feature.

The Big Lebowski

The Big Lebowski (dir. Coen Brothers, 1998), featuring gorgeous set designs and Roger Deakins’ brilliant cinematography, was a bouncy and fun (at times too long) classic. John Goodman, Jeff Bridges, Steve Buscemi, John Turturro, and Julianne Moore are, as always, a lot of fun to watch on screen, elevating somewhat lacklustre dialogue. I appreciate a film that’s a few decades old that still feels timeless, with layers of meaning that can be picked apart by fans for years to come. Glad I watched this classic even if it was a bit uneven.

I was craving some Julia Roberts, so I watched both Erin Brockovich (dir. Steven Soderbergh, 2000) and Mona Lisa Smile (dir. Mike Newell, 2003). Both were fine, solid 3-star movies, with the usual vibe of men-directing-women’s issues. Mona Lisa was a slightly more interesting view of women’s education, art history, and early feminism, though it still fell flat (it needed about 50% more Maggie Gyllenhaal as a wise-beyond-her-years college student). Nonetheless, Roberts does her typical Roberts thing, with a megawatt smile and a vicious undercurrent just waiting to emerge at the first slight. Mona Lisa also got bonus points from me, just for Julia Stiles’ 1950’s Transatlantic pronunciation of fah-mah-ly.

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The forever curious Caity Weaver goes on a trip designed for type-A women who want to make friends: “All 13 of us were ruthlessly on time, except when we were early, which was often. It was the most exhausting vacation of my life.”

I really enjoyed Shrinking, which just wrapped its first season on Apple TV+. Jessica Williams (2 Dope Queens fans, rise up) doesn’t star prominently in the trailer, but she is the ridiculously charming glue that holds the show together. This Vulture interview of Williams discusses the Black female therapist trope, her ability to have chemistry with anyone, and her hopes for the show’s next season.

New word of the week: antilibrary — noun — a private collection of unread books:

“The goal of an antilibrary is not to collect books you have read so you can proudly display them on your shelf; instead, it is to curate a highly personal collection of resources around themes you are curious about. Instead of a celebration of everything you know, an antilibrary is an ode to everything you want to explore.” (Ness Labs)

Paul Murray asks, who is still inside the Metaverse?

“Henceforth, whenever I’m close to the edge of my boundary, the real world appears “through” the virtual one in a gritty, low-resolution black-and-white version of itself, like found footage in a ’90s horror movie. It’s hard not to suspect that this is how Meta wants you to think of analog reality.”

Helen Garner on happiness, coining a term for the thing I’ve always wanted, and the thing that I strive to share here: “small stabs of extreme interestingness.”

“I’m not going to spend what’s left of my life hanging round waiting for [happiness]. I’m going to settle for small, random stabs of extreme interestingness – moments of intense awareness of the things I’m about to lose, and of gladness that they exist.”

And like the rest of Twitter, I’m watching the trial of the century (American Crime Story: GOOP).

Rakesh Satyal @rakeshsatyal

Honestly every person who skis should have to take the stand and explain themselves

Reading: “I just finished Nine Gates by Jane Hirshfield (essays on poetry; life-changing). And I’m currently reading Early Spring by Tove Ditlevsen and The Myth of Normal by Gabor Maté.”

Watching: “The Banshees of Inisherin (spoiler: brilliant and beautiful and profound) and then I’m watching The Hart of Dixie (lol—a comfort show).”

Listening: “Red by Hayden Hamilton and Leo Rayon on repeat, Ain’t Shit by Doja Cat, and always a collection of classical music making the rounds. As far as podcasts go? I’ve been bingeing On Being and Ghost of a Podcast.”

Life, etc: “Cowboy boots, brown sugar shaken espresso, colourful nails, and fruit roll-ups.”

P.S. You can find Briana’s dreamy work on Instagram and here on Substack!

What are you enjoying this week? Let me know below ↓