Words Mean More at Night

Anti-attribution

A visit to Black Fox for a flower arrangement class

The Sunday Letter #25

Anti-attribution, the act of not crediting work to its original creator, has been on my mind for the past few weeks. I’ve wanted to discuss it in the past few newsletters, but I couldn’t figure out what I wanted to say until today. The sticking point, I think, has been that attribution in itself is a tricky thing for any amateur. Is it too early to put things out in the world? Do I need to become a master in the field before I risk putting my name on anything, in order to pre-emptively divert any potential criticism of the work?

The paradox of wanting to share your words but being horrified anyone might attribute ill will to the sharing of them has left my brain in a schism: how to be content with your work, and yourself, in your in-betweenness? Lately, I’ve been surrounding myself with people who make me feel capable, who remind me that to share our own art is an act of self-compassion and of humility, in its own roundabout way. Rather than hold back what we worry is not perfect, we release it knowing it doesn’t have to be.

All that to say, my friend Abby’s newest Substack post about the tricky feelings that come with sharing one’s art has arrived at just the right time for me to understand where I was going with all of this: “Though I write this because I want you to know what I have to tell you, I’m ashamed at my presumption that you should care one bit.”

But the through line, to me, is what Abby writes later: “Literary ancestors are important; unearthing a genealogy of women writers is utopic.” The utility of language in giving form to this genealogy is inescapable, imposter syndrome be damned. It seems to me that the question is actually quite simple: are you in or out?

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I’m in Toronto this weekend to catch The National with Patti Smith! One of my all-time favourite bands and I’m so glad to get the chance to see Patti Smith. Will report back next week. Take care, friends.

This week’s recommendations

I’m a Fan by Sheena Patel was our August book club pick, and it was totally electrifying. Written from the nonlinear perspective of an unnamed narrator in the midst of a cruel affair with a married man, the book feels like the obsessive fever dream of a cornered, wounded animal, hissing at anyone who comes near. I liked how Patel described the narrator in this interview: “I want to write a character who is human, not a victim, not a saviour, not a vessel as a way to understand the world. Just a human being trying to get by.” A favourite passage from I’m a Fan:

I want to know if he changed the sheets before he fucked the woman I am obsessed with to erase his wife, or did he change the sheets after to erase the woman I am obsessed with, or did he not change them thereby erasing neither because to change the sheets would be weird because why would someone who does zero housework suddenly change the sheets and did the woman who I am obsessed with revel in piercing the sanctity of their bed as she fucked him, was she more turned on because she was thinking of two people and not just one?

Anne Helen Petersen

on screentime anxiety.

In n+1, experimental Italian kindergartens, touching grass, and the meaning of dissident desire.

In ArtReview: what power does a certain C-word still hold?

In The New York Times, the history of Bélizaire and the Frey Children—a frustrating read in all that it reveals about how history is concealed. The way the outline of Bélizaire, an enslaved child, is still shimmering through in the attempted cover-up is haunting.

I was lucky enough to attend a Gregory Alan Isakov concert this past week—thanks to my husband for surprising me with tickets. Though he didn’t play “Words,” my all-time favourite song of his, that’s the song on my mind today. Words mean more at night…light means more than it did all day long.

Watching: “I wish I was watching movies but the truth is I don’t have the patience for them anymore. I just firmly believe that a movie shouldn’t be over 3 hours long. So no movies lately although the last one I watched was the Barbie movie and as for TV I’ve been loving Hell’s Kitchen (the reality show with Gordon Ramsay). I mostly put it in the background as I eat because I can’t have a plate of food and not watch something lol.”

Reading: “I read I Keep My Exoskeletons to Myself by Marisa Crane earlier this week and I loved it so much, I cried towards the end and it just exceeded my expectations. It’s a tender debut about a new mother who has to figure out how to raise her newborn after the death of her wife. Inside I found a beautiful story on grief, love, resistance, queerness and found family.”

Listening: “I’ve been obsessed with Kali Uchis’ new single, Muñekita with El Alfa and JT. I’m prone to randomly bursting into song and singing “gata, gata, dale muñekita” no matter where I am.”

Life, etc: “I’ve been really into exploring my city (San Juan, Puerto Rico) and getting out of my comfort zone so I’ve been going to tons of new hangs either by myself or with my boyfriend/friends. In this past two weeks I’ve gone to quite a few new coffee shops, a cool NYC style pizza place and a bookstore with a cute indoor patio which I plan to spend hours in.”

P.S. You can find Mali on Instagram @backtoreads!